Comedic videos I wrote for Anthony Anderson’s anti-diabetes initiative:

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote a Dos Equis story builder, a bot tool that helps you cheat your way to a story worthy of the Nobel Prize in Literature... or it just spices up your tall tales at the bar.

 

Unfortunately, it’s currently banned from all StorySlam competitions and MasterClass says it “completely ruins the hard work of storytelling.”

 

Some of the Mad-libs style stories:

FOOD STORIES

Last time I went out, I discovered that drinking Dos Equis gets you extra guacamole everywhere you go. It started out _adjective_ at _place_, but hang gliding with that much guac completely ruined the lift-to-drag ratio…

When I was _verb-ing_ last week, I had an epiphany about BBQ and figured out how to settle the vinegar vs. tomato-based sauce wars with a concoction that can only be described as _adjective_ and weep-worthy. Now I’m pitmaster for the united state of Texolinassouri.

I recently learned that if you ask for chips and salsa at _place_, it’s code for tortillas and underground competitive ballroom dancing. After my performance destroyed the competition, The Big Dipper is now known as The _adjective_ [user first name] Dipper.

I was having a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant, but when I described the meatballs as “_adjective_!” the chef heard “cavolo!”, setting up a duel at _place_ with his soprano daughter. Luckily, Dos Equis is the only beer that pairs wirelessly with headphones and is the only ringing rim that can shatter an opera singer.

I recently discovered that if you plant a bottle of Dos Equis near _place_, a taco tree will grow. Locals called it a/n “_adjective_ miracle!” and keep asking me to rid the ghosts from their monster trucks...

SPORT STORIES

I was going to watch the game at _place_, but Dan Marino invited me to the Dan Cave where he controls the “real” game with his video game, Marino ’18. It was pretty sweet until he had to play out an _adjective_ end zone celebration and took forever with the choreography.

Things got interesante when bookies at _place_ overheard my _adjective_ predictions for the big game last week and started tapping my phones. The official Vegas odds are now just whatever I text my friend Steve.

After tying with my arch nemesis for the gold in ice dancing at Pyeongchang, we settled on a winner by seeing who could _verb_ the best at _place_. It brought tears to everyone’s eyes. The _adjective_ kind of tears.

I don’t usually reveal secrets, but after a dance move was mistaken as a/n _adjective_ insult to Dan Marino, I made peace by showing him how to _verb_ like a/n [User First Name]. Now I’m starting right tackle for the Miami Marinos.

*only had rights to Dan Marino and Lou Ferrigno lol

ROMANCE STORIES

After getting discovered at _place_, I was a contestant on a reality dating show where my desirability completely ruined the season. In the very first round, I was given all 25 roses, 7 proposals from show producers, and 1 _adjective_ key to the city… I later learned it opens the local mayor’s bedroom.

I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m a/n _adjective_ romantic, a term that’s become widespread after an author I met at _place_ couldn’t get me out of their head and filled their entire next book with the word, “_adjective_.” It’s currently the #1 best seller in non-fiction.

I thought I’d never run into any romance issues after mastering how to _verb_ while tickling the ivories.  But on a recent interstellar expedition, the language barrier was _adjective_. Good thing Dos Equis automatically translates Gordspergerk when spoken into its bottles.

I’m not a sucker for romance. I simply spotted a lucrative hole in the online dating market and started [user first name]slist for _adjective_ relationships between people who like to _verb_ while scuba diving. The billions it’s made me are nice, but I now mostly do it for the underwater galas.

TECH STORIES

When I was bored at _place_, I learned so much about cryptocurrency on YouTube that I created [User First Name]coin, valued for its breakthrough, _adjective_ properties. It’s officially replaced the Krona and now I own Sweden. Unofficially.

Last Saturday was a normal night out until I left _place_ and ended up in a/n _adjective_ dance off with a dead musician’s hologram. Bootleg audio from our foot duel titled “_verb-ing_” went platinum in Bolivia overnight.

After seeing all the hype things get for being “first” at something, I made Firstr, which makes all firsts first. It came about by mastering how to _verb_ with a/n _adjective_ disregard for the space-time continuum.

They say you can’t “win” the internet, but they’ve never mastered _verb-ing_ online in a way that Russian hackers call “_adjective_” and “completely unhackable.” Internet Overlord is a nice title, but clearing my inbox would now take me 6 billion lifetimes.

 

"FACTS"

Some of the bazillion “facts” I wrote about Dos Equis for their social media:

 

Dos Equis is water, malted barley, and 100% pure Bossa Nova.

Dos Equis bottle symmetry established the preference towards symmetric aesthetic traits in judgements of human beauty.

Taco Tuesday was originally going to be Turnip Tuesday until Dos Equis intervened.

Dos Equis expires after 180 days and then it becomes helicopter engine fuel.

Dos Equis inspired Dan Marino to stop messing around with Russian ballet and start playing football.

A brain freeze from a cold Dos Equis was what caused the SS Eastland disaster.

Dos Equis is the 2nd leading cause of friendship worldwide behind jet skis.

“If you love Dos Equis so much, why don’t you marry it?” was commonly said in the 14th century until global populations dwindled to the point of human extinction and Dos Equis marriages were outlawed.

If you press a Dos Equis bottle against any printed word for 25 seconds, it will glow in the dark.

Dos Equis is the only beer that rewards loyalty with a lifetime of free haircuts redeemable at any local barber shop. Just ask for “The Dos Equis.”

A lack of a Dos Equis craving is why computers fail the Turing test.

Dos Equis is the only beer that turns lemons into lemonsubmarines.

If your Dos Equis has a shadow while out in nature, you get 6 more weeks of vacation days.

Dos Equis was at one end of the discovery that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Tasting Dos Equis inspires ghosts to stop haunting a home.

Dos Equis beers are not gluten-free, but they are Dan Marino-free.

Once you drink Dos Equis, no other beers can be distributed in your zip code or along parade routes within 500 miles.

Dos Equis is the taste that inspired ancient architects to add hot tubs to buildings.

Every bottle of Dos Equis is trained by your local improv theater.

The sound of 2 Dos Equis bottles clinking together is irresistible to bears as it’s indistinguishable from their mating call.

Dos Equis beer used to be completely indestructible, but fair-competition regulators forced us to make it self-destruct after 180 days.

Under maritime law, saying “Jinx” before someone else drinking Dos Equis at the same time means they have to give you their spot on the lifeboat.

Dos Equis comes in a variety of bottles, cans, and shapes, and is well known as the muse of modern geometry.